We were on holiday in the Algarve when the ideas for DIY came pouring out. I think the holiday was a welcome relief from the fact that everything at home, at the time, was covered in brick dust. This followed a decision to remove a chimney breast, which ended up in completely gutting the whole house to turn it into something which could be mistaken for an Ikea show home. The only thing which is missing is the podium and, oh yes, footprints across the floor. You can hear the track on Soundcloud.


It’s not that I’m a lazy sod, you may think it’s a little odd,

Even if it costs a wad, I don’t do DIY.

I’m not handy now at all, for any job big or small.

I am not the man to call. I don’t do DIY


I don’t do DIY, DIY I do not.

I think I’d die, if I had to try, to do some DIY.

I don’t do DIY, DIY I do not.

I got a woman who does the lot, so I don’t do DIY.


Grow your own, has no appeal. I could never get the feel.

ATS can change my wheel. I don’t do DIY.

I’m not one to wield a hoe, I don’t believe in have a go,

I don’t really want to know, I don’t do DIY.


Leaky washer, dripping tap, broken ball cock, pipe or trap,

The best way to avoid mishap, I don’t do DIY.

I won’t use a power tool, to me it’s never seemed that cool,

I just stick to a basic rule. I don’t do DIY.


Hanging shelves is not my bag, B and Q is not my tag,

The way to minimise a snag, I don’t do DIY.

I’m no good with screw or nail. I won’t hang a curtain rail.

It’s written in my holy grail, I don’t do DIY.


Paul J Openshaw 2009

© Paul J Openshaw 2012